i have been doing a lot of thinking and rethinking, i have hit a rough patch, and have had to make a lot of hard decisions. It was only a few months ago that i was so very bound - to people's words, their opinions, my own misconceptions… i know that finding answers usually leaves me remembering things wish i didn't, but im glad i did.

where do i go from here? seeing myself at this point, im definite that this is as good as its going to get... not saying im doing great, but for once im just so content actually feeling like i have all i need lately and that there is something greater - and bigger - to my life.

someone once told me, there's beauty in brokenness. if letting go gives a better grip, i sure hope they're right.

I thank You for this day !!!

i cannot even begin to explain the satisfaction of my heart today and the fact that i am aware that in that split second i hung in the balance totally out of my hands and my control...

In that moment of 'in between' im more than appreciative for god held me & let me never take a single moment with you for granted. you seemed to be prepared for the 'NO' so was I .. you left me lost, broken but alive and smiling, in the memories that were once so real

grateful that in the moments dat i lost you & still found you smiling at me. all d best for ur job and safe journey back.

I thank You for this day !!!

i've gone too long living like this,few months from now,this all wouldn't matter anymore for me....for you,well it never did. might think i'm selfish... but you don't know how it feels sometimes to be there for a person so unconditionally,when i can't call u or text u just to say that im thinking of u... and when i call or try to talk,its wrong to you...

there’s a part of me,that knows last seven years a lot of things have changed, a lot of my life has changed... But there’s another part of me, a big part of me that doesn't regret a bit of it.. gotta prove i can make it through the hardest times even after making the biggest crack in my life...

nobody is indispensable... life goes on just as always...i need more then a new start,i need a new heart.

ps : i Like u

I've been wanting to write this for months,which even makes it harder to think of where to begin, or how to say things, because it just seems so important to not come off as horrible to you, even though i do anyways, maybe i shouldn't try so hard?

meanwhile,there's me,sitting quietly in my own separate fantasy world...i think,i can just pretend you love me and it feels better,then there is some part of me that says its disgusting, and opinions from people closest to me aren't really audible

i do a lot of dumb shit that reminds me of you, followed every time with the word, ‘whatever’ almost like it helps me snap back into reality and gosh i know this is going no where.

realized i've been blaming myself for a lot of this, when really, its not all my fault... but i do blame myself a lot.

its the fact that i'm not inconsiderate,its the fact that because i care too much,i tend to feel so sad and guilty on how things are turning out... because you make me so sad, my sadness turns to anger...that's why i may seem inconsiderate, because i scream and ask,and to you,i'm in the wrong

then half the time I'm wondering ‘why you so badly love her’ ..i wonder endlessly what is it ?!!?

but i understand love doesn't work that way... you cant just have someone love you the same way you love them. and i have this what you may call ‘strong unease, gut feeling’ that im going to end up hurting myself

sorry i wrote it in here... needed to be said. probably more that's hiding from me.. but i can always write more

PS : I like you

i was just wondering who to talk to about yesterday’s happenings. i hope you won’t mind that u came to mind. u seem to be someone who would listen without judging harshly. but i pretend and i am learning to jus keep my opinions to myself ..

charlie i don’t hate u at all, i just hate what is lacking in my life. we have grown so far apart that i only want to run away and see if either of us would miss the daily grind of life without the other..i just want to not dread having to search for things to say and then u not there to listen....i fear i am the same towards u… i can’t get past the idea that i was shocked. and in awe of ur stern denial of my evaluation of the situation last year. you could not get past the fact. i just want to relax in the coming year. it’s too much of a struggle for me.

now when i look back , n think i could hv avoided a lot of my emotions that night ..was i being selfish? i thought i was giving to u what i want for myself….i truly believed u would be as relieved with the temp phase of silence but as u say arguments go on and so does this bond …

please accept my admission of guilt. thanks for listening.