through the eyes of a realist....

I'm just gonna have to live with it. Bottling up my feelings isn't really the right way to go, i admit.... but its only because you've made it absolutely crystal clear.

there's no denying it, i've really had it...that's just the last straw.. how i should just bend a little,let loose and just blurt out my feelings towards you. I know its an utter weakness,not being able to say what i mean, but that's just the thing i would never risk,expressing to you again. i would never have the guts to jeopardize our friendship - not in a million years.

How could someone read in between the lines of all your mixed messages? like you give someone a little piece of hope, and then just smash it down again. without even the littlest bit of remorse. They say what goes around comes around , and i know this is just karma, biting me back.

Guess i'll always see you in a way, you'll never ever see me. 'wrong decision' once again, but what can i do, i'm only human. weak and vulnerable.

I've told myself many times,i'm just not the desperate type... and i'm just gonna let everything die, 'cause sometimes its not worth it, anticipating something that will never come'

I guess i'm just gonna let you go. Life is fair in its own ways, and this i see through the eyes of a realist and a few years from now, we'll be happy to see each other with someone else.

I'm Ready

happy birthday!! my best wishes n good luck in all that you do!

something you (should) know about


I'd like to see ya - thought I'd let ya know
I wanna be with ya everyday
Cause I got a feelin' that's beginning to grow
And there's only one thing I wanna say

I'm Ready - To Love Ya
I'm Ready - To Hold Ya
I'm Ready - To Love Ya
I'm Ready - To Hold Ya
Ready as - I'm gonna be

She left me a long note when she left me here
Told me that love was hard to find
But baby it's easy and I'll make it clear
There's only one thing on my mind
I'm Ready


{Artist|Title : Bryan Adams |I'm Ready}

Rocky Balboa :: Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.

Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!!!

sometimes its too early to regret and too late to realize, don't know if I have to regret or realize

but all i can say today is that i love my sisters very very very much ... i pray that Allah guide and bless you'll with loads of happiness always !!

Smiles Are Contagious

Every little happy moment starts with a smile…It starts in our brain...goes to our neurons...then to our muscles...and finally shows up on our face...that smile is then given to another and then another..

My friend recently bought a DSLR Canon 500D and could see him happy and smile and i just couldn't help but smile.. your happiness is my happiness.. remember i love seeing you smile

spread a smile once in a while you never know who might need it..

and to you my friend happy clicking !!!

“ might jst give up some day.......donno when tht day is ”

as we instant message, i can feel the love through the keyboard. i doubt if you can feel the concern behind the messages i try to share to you? i hope you do. because when i type those words on the screen, i pour my whole love to you on this keyboard.

and im sure if this was typed in ur chat box, the reply would be the countless ‘zzzzzzzzzzzzz’ .. while we're miles a part just remember that i'm not perfect but i know that i don't want to give you up

“might jst give up some day.......donno when tht day is”

random lines

"nothn is actually"

"look at the conversatn......go thrgh it once again mayb u will get it"

"ok i do.
hope this will help move on "

"ul always be spcll to me fr more den one reasons"

"thnks"

here are some things that i have always wanted to do, have planned to do but never got down to doing : (In random order)
join a gym
watch my diet (Ahem)
manage my finances! Learn how to use a bank!
do a course in foreign languages
go for daily walks
be more attentive in my prayers
behave better with my parents
read!! There is soooo much that i need to read but just keep putting it off
become a photographer.

Friends

i never knew how life could be lived, until i met you, and everyone else.

i always wanted to be welcomed, with open arms and love to surround me, my friends are the family i chose, they are there for me.. for themselves and our friendship..they are like a family i have dreamed of, they comfort me, welcome me, and love me.

my friends lead me to a new life i never knew of.. new interests,new jokes,new hugs i never got.. i never knew how to be myself, never knew how to laugh at myself, my friends told me how to.. at times i never wanted to stand up for myself, thanks to you guys.. now i do

i never knew how to make a fool of myself,until i was introduced to life,they are my friends.. Guys ul will always be special to me !!!

And to ma angel all the very best ... cant wait to meet u

i have been doing a lot of thinking and rethinking, i have hit a rough patch, and have had to make a lot of hard decisions. It was only a few months ago that i was so very bound - to people's words, their opinions, my own misconceptions… i know that finding answers usually leaves me remembering things wish i didn't, but im glad i did.

where do i go from here? seeing myself at this point, im definite that this is as good as its going to get... not saying im doing great, but for once im just so content actually feeling like i have all i need lately and that there is something greater - and bigger - to my life.

someone once told me, there's beauty in brokenness. if letting go gives a better grip, i sure hope they're right.

I thank You for this day !!!

i cannot even begin to explain the satisfaction of my heart today and the fact that i am aware that in that split second i hung in the balance totally out of my hands and my control...

In that moment of 'in between' im more than appreciative for god held me & let me never take a single moment with you for granted. you seemed to be prepared for the 'NO' so was I .. you left me lost, broken but alive and smiling, in the memories that were once so real

grateful that in the moments dat i lost you & still found you smiling at me. all d best for ur job and safe journey back.

I thank You for this day !!!

i've gone too long living like this,few months from now,this all wouldn't matter anymore for me....for you,well it never did. might think i'm selfish... but you don't know how it feels sometimes to be there for a person so unconditionally,when i can't call u or text u just to say that im thinking of u... and when i call or try to talk,its wrong to you...

there’s a part of me,that knows last seven years a lot of things have changed, a lot of my life has changed... But there’s another part of me, a big part of me that doesn't regret a bit of it.. gotta prove i can make it through the hardest times even after making the biggest crack in my life...

nobody is indispensable... life goes on just as always...i need more then a new start,i need a new heart.

ps : i Like u

I've been wanting to write this for months,which even makes it harder to think of where to begin, or how to say things, because it just seems so important to not come off as horrible to you, even though i do anyways, maybe i shouldn't try so hard?

meanwhile,there's me,sitting quietly in my own separate fantasy world...i think,i can just pretend you love me and it feels better,then there is some part of me that says its disgusting, and opinions from people closest to me aren't really audible

i do a lot of dumb shit that reminds me of you, followed every time with the word, ‘whatever’ almost like it helps me snap back into reality and gosh i know this is going no where.

realized i've been blaming myself for a lot of this, when really, its not all my fault... but i do blame myself a lot.

its the fact that i'm not inconsiderate,its the fact that because i care too much,i tend to feel so sad and guilty on how things are turning out... because you make me so sad, my sadness turns to anger...that's why i may seem inconsiderate, because i scream and ask,and to you,i'm in the wrong

then half the time I'm wondering ‘why you so badly love her’ ..i wonder endlessly what is it ?!!?

but i understand love doesn't work that way... you cant just have someone love you the same way you love them. and i have this what you may call ‘strong unease, gut feeling’ that im going to end up hurting myself

sorry i wrote it in here... needed to be said. probably more that's hiding from me.. but i can always write more

PS : I like you

i was just wondering who to talk to about yesterday’s happenings. i hope you won’t mind that u came to mind. u seem to be someone who would listen without judging harshly. but i pretend and i am learning to jus keep my opinions to myself ..

charlie i don’t hate u at all, i just hate what is lacking in my life. we have grown so far apart that i only want to run away and see if either of us would miss the daily grind of life without the other..i just want to not dread having to search for things to say and then u not there to listen....i fear i am the same towards u… i can’t get past the idea that i was shocked. and in awe of ur stern denial of my evaluation of the situation last year. you could not get past the fact. i just want to relax in the coming year. it’s too much of a struggle for me.

now when i look back , n think i could hv avoided a lot of my emotions that night ..was i being selfish? i thought i was giving to u what i want for myself….i truly believed u would be as relieved with the temp phase of silence but as u say arguments go on and so does this bond …

please accept my admission of guilt. thanks for listening.

so it is the end of 2009, it went on, and on; till i finally realized i had to give up that life for the better. It was the wasted days alright. its the ol' days wasted with the heartbreaker, the backstabbers, the fakes, the posh, the famous, the recessions, the job loss , the job offers, the emo shits. the worthless nights, the meaningless chats...

sleeping when the sun rises, waking up when the sun was about to sleep. laughing and being online till you just forget the world at four in the morning; i walked through the grins, the smiles, the tears, the shit. i still wonder whether that was who i truly was, or me losing myself. today, i still wonder who i really am ..

eventhough i lacked perseverance, lacked studies, lacked opportunities, i made loads of memories. home alone days,the night outs, jab ve met bnglore - mum , pik up and drop to the airport, 24x7 online ... i also temp lost closest friends, made new ones, and some stayed with me throughout my journey. i am eternally grateful to you guys!!

also this day starts a new beginning for my angel... MJ u deserve d best!!

I have come to realize that,everyone takes things for granted these days. yes everyone,including myself...when we've got good,we want better,we're always up for more,we whine about how we wish we were given better materialistic things,sometimes we wish our parents would just keep their opinions to themselves & that everyone is getting so annoying because they complain about how life is so unfair. ever thought that someone out there has bigger issues than you? ... no?

Have we ever thought, for one second, that life is not a beauty contest and is not supposed to be all about the critics and remarks other people make about us....had a second to think about that... cause no matter what we do,we will never be able to shut them up.

It's unfortunate that some people are unable to see what they have, until it's gone and not be able to chase back time. It's unfortunate how people today are oblivious towards everything that is happening except things that are happening to themselves. Give it a thought, people. be a little more thankful, count your blessings. because the world might change with a twist, by a single act of kindness.

Road less travelled

As i fell into great despair last night... i was as i have always been, alone.but the sweet words that saved me....was for a son. I love you Maa .. you have always done your best for me even when i was at my worst.

a new journey begins, taking work i thought would never do...but it is work. admitting im helpless to change things instantly. I will once again be starting over…

many times, in order to survive, we have to start a change process. sometimes we need to turn our thoughts and conversations around to be more positive with hope, love and action.... true, it is easier said then done...we sometimes need to get rid of old unpleasant memories so that we can take advantage of the present. So, to prevent any obstacles, one should get out of our own way! Enjoy every minute we live!

today im not afraid to believe that i can have .. what i want and deserve.

this is for the few people that have came along side me, and just loved me without condition, and you know who you are and what you did … Thanks !!


PS : gal wish n hope something works out for u too soon ... and eagerly waiting for ur trip here .. :)

and my day just ends perfectly ….

Spending a wonderful evening with someone you love with all your heart can give u such a high… you are my angel, my chosen one, and i don't think that our understanding can get any more perfect than it is. We had such a great time talking and even if what we ver doing isn't all that eventful, im so glad that we talked this weekend, because i can already see it starting to pay off

Also we guys had a blast being retards. I think we all did had a good time tonight. Just thought I'd tell you guys that you’ll are my lifeline

and my day just ends perfectly …

I feel a bit off today...like not quite right.Last night had a conversation that left me feeling strange. i'm glad we talked..because i found out that i was sort of pushing something and i really really don't want to do that.

I don't want someone to say something to me that they don't truly mean. Some things are important and should not just be said without thinking. I'm the kind of person that listens closely.. sometimes almost too closely to what people say when they are talking to me. It creates this huge problem of reading between the lines, which also gets me into all kinds of troubles and worries.. I could just stop worrying and being insecure, all would be good. what gets me is that most of my worries and insecurities are so unfounded.

Anyways… yesterday happened to be one of my very close friends bday… thank you for what have been some of the best times of my life.... also had such a good time with you guys tonight .. its nice to be reminded that it doesn’t take much to enjoy each others company ..

gal ur sudden phase of silence gets me back here .. I wanted you to know that im thinking about you today, and to let you know that you're in my thoughts every day, drop me a line when you find the time, and let me know how you're doing at the new place…

its been more then a month since i last blogged. even though i could have squeezed in the time to blog, i chose not to…i always felt stressed out for no reason. i felt compelled to blog, not to mention that the number of distractions was slowly increasing – Twitter, toostep , FB , etc. i was losing focus and suddenly priorities seemed irrelevant. I decided to forgo a lot of my routine as much as possible.

a quick round up on the weeks gone by…

July 13-19 --- The week that saw two of my closest friends birthday… one far away in Seattle.. and the other in Aamchi Mumbai .. you guys are special and i appreciate everything you’ll hv done for me..

July 22– 29 --- the week that usually gets mixed emotions out of me from last 6 yrs and still counting… one more day one more year …. Irrespective now, gzehyz .. happy anniversary to you ..

From last many years now i have not celebrated my bday ….. but thanks to u guys and ma folks at hm… for the first time in 27 yrs it started as a fairytale and ended like one too .. Jus don’t understand how god and humans could be kind to me on one specific day every year consistently…but thanks to you’ll .. I wished the day never ended …. A BIG THANKS

Aug 1 – 13 --- spent time contemplating on what i want to do next…. i needed to bring some order and focus into my life and make it less chaotic. every free / spare moment of my time was spent reading news / articles and surfing endless sites… A total online burnout i say !

Aug 15 – 23 – two chaps who have been a support all thru my mba days and counting… their bdays … and the start of ramzaan .. and yea …a job offer… and the grind starts again ..

Sep 2 - I realized that the only way out of this mess was to pull the plug and start with a clean slate now that the month long period is over, im back to blogging And as i write its pouring outside .. off to feel d magic … rain drops