Friends

i never knew how life could be lived, until i met you, and everyone else.

i always wanted to be welcomed, with open arms and love to surround me, my friends are the family i chose, they are there for me.. for themselves and our friendship..they are like a family i have dreamed of, they comfort me, welcome me, and love me.

my friends lead me to a new life i never knew of.. new interests,new jokes,new hugs i never got.. i never knew how to be myself, never knew how to laugh at myself, my friends told me how to.. at times i never wanted to stand up for myself, thanks to you guys.. now i do

i never knew how to make a fool of myself,until i was introduced to life,they are my friends.. Guys ul will always be special to me !!!

And to ma angel all the very best ... cant wait to meet u

i have been doing a lot of thinking and rethinking, i have hit a rough patch, and have had to make a lot of hard decisions. It was only a few months ago that i was so very bound - to people's words, their opinions, my own misconceptions… i know that finding answers usually leaves me remembering things wish i didn't, but im glad i did.

where do i go from here? seeing myself at this point, im definite that this is as good as its going to get... not saying im doing great, but for once im just so content actually feeling like i have all i need lately and that there is something greater - and bigger - to my life.

someone once told me, there's beauty in brokenness. if letting go gives a better grip, i sure hope they're right.

I thank You for this day !!!

i cannot even begin to explain the satisfaction of my heart today and the fact that i am aware that in that split second i hung in the balance totally out of my hands and my control...

In that moment of 'in between' im more than appreciative for god held me & let me never take a single moment with you for granted. you seemed to be prepared for the 'NO' so was I .. you left me lost, broken but alive and smiling, in the memories that were once so real

grateful that in the moments dat i lost you & still found you smiling at me. all d best for ur job and safe journey back.

I thank You for this day !!!

i've gone too long living like this,few months from now,this all wouldn't matter anymore for me....for you,well it never did. might think i'm selfish... but you don't know how it feels sometimes to be there for a person so unconditionally,when i can't call u or text u just to say that im thinking of u... and when i call or try to talk,its wrong to you...

there’s a part of me,that knows last seven years a lot of things have changed, a lot of my life has changed... But there’s another part of me, a big part of me that doesn't regret a bit of it.. gotta prove i can make it through the hardest times even after making the biggest crack in my life...

nobody is indispensable... life goes on just as always...i need more then a new start,i need a new heart.

ps : i Like u

I've been wanting to write this for months,which even makes it harder to think of where to begin, or how to say things, because it just seems so important to not come off as horrible to you, even though i do anyways, maybe i shouldn't try so hard?

meanwhile,there's me,sitting quietly in my own separate fantasy world...i think,i can just pretend you love me and it feels better,then there is some part of me that says its disgusting, and opinions from people closest to me aren't really audible

i do a lot of dumb shit that reminds me of you, followed every time with the word, ‘whatever’ almost like it helps me snap back into reality and gosh i know this is going no where.

realized i've been blaming myself for a lot of this, when really, its not all my fault... but i do blame myself a lot.

its the fact that i'm not inconsiderate,its the fact that because i care too much,i tend to feel so sad and guilty on how things are turning out... because you make me so sad, my sadness turns to anger...that's why i may seem inconsiderate, because i scream and ask,and to you,i'm in the wrong

then half the time I'm wondering ‘why you so badly love her’ ..i wonder endlessly what is it ?!!?

but i understand love doesn't work that way... you cant just have someone love you the same way you love them. and i have this what you may call ‘strong unease, gut feeling’ that im going to end up hurting myself

sorry i wrote it in here... needed to be said. probably more that's hiding from me.. but i can always write more

PS : I like you

i was just wondering who to talk to about yesterday’s happenings. i hope you won’t mind that u came to mind. u seem to be someone who would listen without judging harshly. but i pretend and i am learning to jus keep my opinions to myself ..

charlie i don’t hate u at all, i just hate what is lacking in my life. we have grown so far apart that i only want to run away and see if either of us would miss the daily grind of life without the other..i just want to not dread having to search for things to say and then u not there to listen....i fear i am the same towards u… i can’t get past the idea that i was shocked. and in awe of ur stern denial of my evaluation of the situation last year. you could not get past the fact. i just want to relax in the coming year. it’s too much of a struggle for me.

now when i look back , n think i could hv avoided a lot of my emotions that night ..was i being selfish? i thought i was giving to u what i want for myself….i truly believed u would be as relieved with the temp phase of silence but as u say arguments go on and so does this bond …

please accept my admission of guilt. thanks for listening.

so it is the end of 2009, it went on, and on; till i finally realized i had to give up that life for the better. It was the wasted days alright. its the ol' days wasted with the heartbreaker, the backstabbers, the fakes, the posh, the famous, the recessions, the job loss , the job offers, the emo shits. the worthless nights, the meaningless chats...

sleeping when the sun rises, waking up when the sun was about to sleep. laughing and being online till you just forget the world at four in the morning; i walked through the grins, the smiles, the tears, the shit. i still wonder whether that was who i truly was, or me losing myself. today, i still wonder who i really am ..

eventhough i lacked perseverance, lacked studies, lacked opportunities, i made loads of memories. home alone days,the night outs, jab ve met bnglore - mum , pik up and drop to the airport, 24x7 online ... i also temp lost closest friends, made new ones, and some stayed with me throughout my journey. i am eternally grateful to you guys!!

also this day starts a new beginning for my angel... MJ u deserve d best!!

I have come to realize that,everyone takes things for granted these days. yes everyone,including myself...when we've got good,we want better,we're always up for more,we whine about how we wish we were given better materialistic things,sometimes we wish our parents would just keep their opinions to themselves & that everyone is getting so annoying because they complain about how life is so unfair. ever thought that someone out there has bigger issues than you? ... no?

Have we ever thought, for one second, that life is not a beauty contest and is not supposed to be all about the critics and remarks other people make about us....had a second to think about that... cause no matter what we do,we will never be able to shut them up.

It's unfortunate that some people are unable to see what they have, until it's gone and not be able to chase back time. It's unfortunate how people today are oblivious towards everything that is happening except things that are happening to themselves. Give it a thought, people. be a little more thankful, count your blessings. because the world might change with a twist, by a single act of kindness.

Road less travelled

As i fell into great despair last night... i was as i have always been, alone.but the sweet words that saved me....was for a son. I love you Maa .. you have always done your best for me even when i was at my worst.

a new journey begins, taking work i thought would never do...but it is work. admitting im helpless to change things instantly. I will once again be starting over…

many times, in order to survive, we have to start a change process. sometimes we need to turn our thoughts and conversations around to be more positive with hope, love and action.... true, it is easier said then done...we sometimes need to get rid of old unpleasant memories so that we can take advantage of the present. So, to prevent any obstacles, one should get out of our own way! Enjoy every minute we live!

today im not afraid to believe that i can have .. what i want and deserve.

this is for the few people that have came along side me, and just loved me without condition, and you know who you are and what you did … Thanks !!


PS : gal wish n hope something works out for u too soon ... and eagerly waiting for ur trip here .. :)

and my day just ends perfectly ….

Spending a wonderful evening with someone you love with all your heart can give u such a high… you are my angel, my chosen one, and i don't think that our understanding can get any more perfect than it is. We had such a great time talking and even if what we ver doing isn't all that eventful, im so glad that we talked this weekend, because i can already see it starting to pay off

Also we guys had a blast being retards. I think we all did had a good time tonight. Just thought I'd tell you guys that you’ll are my lifeline

and my day just ends perfectly …

I feel a bit off today...like not quite right.Last night had a conversation that left me feeling strange. i'm glad we talked..because i found out that i was sort of pushing something and i really really don't want to do that.

I don't want someone to say something to me that they don't truly mean. Some things are important and should not just be said without thinking. I'm the kind of person that listens closely.. sometimes almost too closely to what people say when they are talking to me. It creates this huge problem of reading between the lines, which also gets me into all kinds of troubles and worries.. I could just stop worrying and being insecure, all would be good. what gets me is that most of my worries and insecurities are so unfounded.

Anyways… yesterday happened to be one of my very close friends bday… thank you for what have been some of the best times of my life.... also had such a good time with you guys tonight .. its nice to be reminded that it doesn’t take much to enjoy each others company ..

gal ur sudden phase of silence gets me back here .. I wanted you to know that im thinking about you today, and to let you know that you're in my thoughts every day, drop me a line when you find the time, and let me know how you're doing at the new place…

its been more then a month since i last blogged. even though i could have squeezed in the time to blog, i chose not to…i always felt stressed out for no reason. i felt compelled to blog, not to mention that the number of distractions was slowly increasing – Twitter, toostep , FB , etc. i was losing focus and suddenly priorities seemed irrelevant. I decided to forgo a lot of my routine as much as possible.

a quick round up on the weeks gone by…

July 13-19 --- The week that saw two of my closest friends birthday… one far away in Seattle.. and the other in Aamchi Mumbai .. you guys are special and i appreciate everything you’ll hv done for me..

July 22– 29 --- the week that usually gets mixed emotions out of me from last 6 yrs and still counting… one more day one more year …. Irrespective now, gzehyz .. happy anniversary to you ..

From last many years now i have not celebrated my bday ….. but thanks to u guys and ma folks at hm… for the first time in 27 yrs it started as a fairytale and ended like one too .. Jus don’t understand how god and humans could be kind to me on one specific day every year consistently…but thanks to you’ll .. I wished the day never ended …. A BIG THANKS

Aug 1 – 13 --- spent time contemplating on what i want to do next…. i needed to bring some order and focus into my life and make it less chaotic. every free / spare moment of my time was spent reading news / articles and surfing endless sites… A total online burnout i say !

Aug 15 – 23 – two chaps who have been a support all thru my mba days and counting… their bdays … and the start of ramzaan .. and yea …a job offer… and the grind starts again ..

Sep 2 - I realized that the only way out of this mess was to pull the plug and start with a clean slate now that the month long period is over, im back to blogging And as i write its pouring outside .. off to feel d magic … rain drops

Its the mid of yet another week and im here about to right my last weekend stuff... Thou sm hw i always endup writing about my weekends ..thats the only two days i have, that pulls me through the weekdays ..... It also gives me the point to look fwd to see u online gal ...

Sat was a routnie day..till the rains made it special in the evening.. Went for a walk in the rains at the usuall marine drive stretch with an ol pal...Was such a joy walking n seeing people enjoy the magic...

sun was kept for a lot of pending stuff which i kept avoiding.. but by noon i was sure im gona avoid it today tooo.. so there i was off to watch a movie...

Mon mornings usually brings a sad end and pinches me into the reality... But after long time a mon evening bought more cheer to me as i finaallly finaalllyy got to chat with u gal ... U cant imagine the relief i had... Was so happpy to hear the few lines of update frm ur end ... Thou u started in the very routine sm ol stuff...But neverthless was so good to talk wth u after long... Thou i personally never like the long (forced) breaks... thanks for showing the patience..

this sun i hv a wedding to attend of a close friend of mine .. sm1 with whom i connected instantly... Hope i can make it to the reception .. Minus the rain showers...

Its been nothing sort of a dramatic end to the month..... to say that this was the most eventful one so far this year ... With no job in hand still, i was missing the normal routine that usually marks my month end.. the chasing of sales figure in the last few days, followed by reviews n target settings.... so this month end was different to say the least ... My emotions ran high as my friend finally got engaged.. his engagement function was followed by his bday surprise...

but then along with the joy came the disappointment ...the :( of not being able to reach for my friends engagement on time... And chap I was disappointed with you ... But as it has happened so often in the last few months .. I had no option but to jus feel it within me and carry the baggage...

half of this year has gone and it seems all the equations around me has changed ... People who mattered to me have moved on ... Dunno if i hv moved away or jus been rooted at one place while those around me defining new equations... Its tough really tough...

i still miss u gal .. I knw i hv messed up with ur head big-time .. I realise it was wrong on my part to sound so vulnerable n at times possessive .. But trust me on one thing.. the emotion & concern i felt n still hold cant get more genuine n real ... But may be i was jus too edgy n pushed u most of the time for the updates ... Im sorry .. Will always wish the best for u in life

Recently I found out just how fragile life can be. I figured out just how empty my life could be without someone.... still cant find any reason for ur silence... would really help if u speak up....its hurts to see u online n not able to talk .. add to it ur silence kills...

i hate myself for messing with your head, just show you care, that's all i really want..... time spent waiting for you to realize that i've been here ...for all time just waiting for you to notice, for you to see that im there for you

I found out that life is just simply, not fair or unfair, but just full of unexpected crap that is eventually turned into some sort of life lesson i wish i never had to deal with in the first place, but for this it wasn't my choice.

i miss u gall ..

I believe in the miracle called life, esp if the miracle occurs at a particular time in which you are comfortable

I believe that I am not in the worst situation I can be in, but I have tasted certain bitter things and they haven’t hurt me per-se but given me experience and courage to face another day…..Because the world isn’t sugarcoating, pats on the back.. it has some downfalls – and they can be overcome with experience, knowledge and love

And that’s not saying I don’t breakdown sometimes- because I do- and I bet there are times when you wouldn't recognize me

It is really really hard to stay optimistic in times like this, especially when I have seen just how cruel life can be. It was a situation just like this, that sparked my loss of faith, because it was soo cruel and unreal…but because it was as real as real could be, I lost my faith. I’m scared and i know this tooo shall pass ...

How well do you know urself

Well last few days I hv taken three “ how well u know ‘ xyz ‘ quiz “ @ fb .. and boy the scores where 50% followed by two scores of 0% ... .. now 0% is jus not d rit number to b flashed across evry1 home page .. but as if I really care abt wats d score ..and as if it really shows the connection between the two of us ..
After taking those quizzes I saw an option of > create your own quiz <.. huhhh .... do I really have answers to my own qtn .. I better know myself first … so here it is

**** the questions are random thoughts so are the answers *****


Get to know UrSelf better

View on yourself:
Emotional

Down-to-earth and people either like / hate me because im straightforward.

An efficient problem solver because I will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision.

take really long time to complete reading a book ..


The right job for you:

Thou a self-content man.. Have many goals and want to achieve as much as I can. The jobs i enjoy are those that let me burn off my considerable excess energy. But somewhere I feel going solo is the way fwd for me ..

What inspires you about Mumbai :

Mumbai’s daily life. The struggle and opportunities it offers . current events .. and walk at marine drive ..

The type of girlfriend you are looking for:

Not looking merely for a girl– im looking for a partner.
Perhaps I should be more open-minded about who i spend time with. The person im looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

Ideal :: Prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether I will commit to the relationship. ::
But im not tooo choosy either .. all game for a blind date and see how things work out ..

The seriousness of your love:

Very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time and giving wrong signals with people I don't really like. If I meet the right person, I will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

How do you view success:

Not afraid of failure and not scared to have a go at an alternative career i would like to have incase i don't succeed. I Don't give up when i haven't yet even started!


Miscellanious

Steffi Graf / Rahul Dravid / Boris becker / Stefen Edberg / sonali bendre / man utd /bryan adams / mltr / kishore kumar /priyanka chopra / pele / maradona / ar rehman / dil se / rang de basanti / sushmita sen / jaane bhi do yaaron .....

Fav joint
kayani / regal barista / gazalee / 5spice

What are you most afraid of:
Dogs
Afraid of having no one to rely on ..
loosing my mom


Who is your true self:
mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. Sometimes I find myself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which my heart rather than my head needs to solve.

And finally a very emotional lover ..

Today is one of those days that makes me want to poke my eyes out with the back end of a spoon....

I’m in the middle of the post-glorious-weekend slump… i guess a lot of my ‘blah’ feelings come from the fact that i’m having a tough time figuring out my next step. i’m caught between making plans and not having the ability to make plans

I want to stop focusing on the negative and reflect on the positive. I want to go for a walk and drink some damn ice tea !!!

Everything else I’d like to move on from....

i also wanted to ask you about ur updates ... Sooo wanted to know abt ur work / project / lunch / etc etc ... But was jus scared that ill complicate it and ull misunderstand the already messed up words i use ...

So im asking u here .. :: how are u ? :: Hws wrk ? :: Hws hlth ? ..

i know the answer to these are pretty much the routine.. "Nothing new sm ol" , but i really wanna know !!

if only you had realised that i hv been consistent in asking you abt ur updates.. And you being equally consistent in breaking the news late ...

but for now i hope you doing fine .. And i so wish the ol chat days were back ...

take care ..

i have been thinking about this for weeks now.. its been running on my mind ever since my friend got engaged ... the question was how to make it special for him ... my friends a traditional fella .. & likes surprises or things in a more organised way.. so the only thing that i could zero down was a dinner party .. for the couple ... with close friends ..

hopefully ill get the confirmation not from the couple in question .. but from one of our friend who always has some or the other seminar cum workshop cum lecture cum b........ scheduled most weekends ...

he'l be confirming by mon or tue ... and hoping evrything works out ...

PS : the cutting chai @ 3 am [ shimla cold drinks ] was jus tooo goood .. thankss Dr ... !!